“It’s so unusual it’s frightening
You see right through the mess inside me
And you call me out to pull me in
You tell me I can start again
And I don’t need to keep on hiding.
I’m fully known and loved by You
You won’t let go no matter what I do
And it’s not one or the other
It’s hard truth and ridiculous grace
To be known fully known and loved by You
I’m fully known and loved by You.”
Known, by Tauren Wells
If we’re going to be friends, one thing to know about me is that I have a pet peeve when it comes to listening. But of course, I’m an excellent listener who pays exceptional attention to detail and doesn’t ever interrupt. Please note the sarcasm.
Okay, so I’m not THE BEST listener of all time–but really, who is? Anyways…
My pet peeve is this: people who don’t listen to what I’m saying, or take the time to really listen to what I’m trying to say–I mumble a lot, so there’s that. I’ve learned that it’s not so much a pet peeve, as it is an insecurity of mine.
Some of my close friends might say that I’m pretty shy when it comes to social gatherings/meeting others. And some might say that I’m actually pretty outgoing when I want to be. I’d say, they’re both right. I tend to be a wallflower (see Shrinking Violet) when I’m out of my element, or sometimes, I try to be the leader of the pack.
It just depends.
But no matter what part of me comes out in a social setting, I always tend to come back to this insecurity of mine. That, no one’s really listening to me at all, or wants to take the time to listen–and essentially, no one wants to take the time to really know me.
In many cases, this could be very true–I have no doubt. Not everybody wants to know everyone, and that’s perfectly A-Ok. That’d be a lot of people to keep track of anyway.
But in a lot of other cases, this really isn’t truth at all.
I’m writing to you currently, from my desk in my dorm room (Yes, you read that right. Your girl’s 25 and living in a dorm room…again), in a town and state that is completely foreign to me. I’m starting a graduate program that is also completely foreign to me. And I’m attempting to make social connections and build relationships with people who are–you guessed it, completely foreign (in some cases literally) to me.
And it’s so scary, guys.
This insecurity of mine, to not be known in my entirety, has been flaring up all over the place. Why? Because, no one here really knows me…yet. No one here knows my quirks, my awkward sense of humor, what brings me the most joy. Or the most sadness. And being who I am, for some reason, that’s a little scary.
Before I left California, I had the chance to meet up with a sweet friend of mine for a hike in the Oakland Redwoods. We walked and talked all about God’s goodness and faithfulness in our lives and ways in which He was growing us. When she asked me how I was feeling about moving to another state, far away from my established roots, family and friends, I was a little anxious just thinking about it.
Being who she is, with her admirable child-like faith and optimism, she said with assurance,
“I think it will be a great time of growth and sweet relationship with the Lord.”
And it’s interesting how right she was–and it’s only been a few days. But without the Lord, I don’t think I would have made it this far, guys! Seriously.
When I think about the Lord and His goodness, I start to remember all the ways in which He’s shown me that even though I might not be known here (yet) by others around me, He knows everything there is to know about me.
In fact, He knew it all before I even existed (Ps. 139:13-14). He knew exactly where I’d be today, before I knew what I wanted to do professionally. He knows exactly where I’m headed, tomorrow and where I’ll be 40 years from now.
I like to think that maybe one day, when I’m married, and I’m putting this grand expectation on my husband to know and fully understand me–that I’ll come to the realization that the only One who fully knows me is God.
And that’s a beautiful thing.
It’s with this knowledge that I am able to go out in faith, to journey into this next season. It’s definitely not going to be easy, I can almost guarantee it. But by God’s goodness and power, I will get through it.
I am known by the One who created me, saved me and first loved me.
No judgement if I call home crying every now and then though. Deal?
So, if you think of me, randomly in your day or just by reading this post for the first time, would you pray for me? Would you pray for patience on my end–that I would let the Lord work in His timing in ALL things? Could you pray that He will grow me in new ways to be able to further spread His good news with those who have yet to come to Him? And would you pray that this season would be one where I meet the Lord in a whole new way?
Thank you–I really do appreciate it.
Let me know how I can pray for you too – post a comment below, or write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org!
“You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.”