Fully Known

Fully Known...and loved by You

“It’s so unusual it’s frightening
You see right through the mess inside me
And you call me out to pull me in
You tell me I can start again
And I don’t need to keep on hiding.

I’m fully known and loved by You
You won’t let go no matter what I do
And it’s not one or the other
It’s hard truth and ridiculous grace
To be known fully known and loved by You
I’m fully known and loved by You.”

Known, by Tauren Wells

If we’re going to be friends, one thing to know about me is that I have a pet peeve when it comes to listening. But of course, I’m an excellent listener who pays exceptional attention to detail and doesn’t ever interrupt. Please note the sarcasm.

Okay, so I’m not THE BEST listener of all time–but really, who is? Anyways…

My pet peeve is this: people who don’t listen to what I’m saying, or take the time to really listen to what I’m trying to say–I mumble a lot, so there’s that. I’ve learned that it’s not so much a pet peeve, as it is an insecurity of mine.

Some of my close friends might say that I’m pretty shy when it comes to social gatherings/meeting others. And some might say that I’m actually pretty outgoing when I want to be. I’d say, they’re both right. I tend to be a wallflower (see Shrinking Violet) when I’m out of my element, or sometimes, I try to be the leader of the pack.

It just depends.

But no matter what part of me comes out in a social setting, I always tend to come back to this insecurity of mine. That, no one’s really listening to me at all, or wants to take the time to listen–and essentially, no one wants to take the time to really know me.

In many cases, this could be very true–I have no doubt. Not everybody wants to know everyone, and that’s perfectly A-Ok. That’d be a lot of people to keep track of anyway.

But in a lot of other cases, this really isn’t truth at all.

I’m writing to you currently, from my desk in my dorm room (Yes, you read that right. Your girl’s 25 and living in a dorm room…again), in a town and state that is completely foreign to me. I’m starting a graduate program that is also completely foreign to me. And I’m attempting to make social connections and build relationships with people who are–you guessed it, completely foreign (in some cases literally) to me.

And it’s so scary, guys.

This insecurity of mine, to not be known in my entirety, has been flaring up all over the place. Why? Because, no one here really knows me…yet. No one here knows my quirks, my awkward sense of humor, what brings me the most joy. Or the most sadness. And being who I am, for some reason, that’s a little scary.

Before I left California, I had the chance to meet up with a sweet friend of mine for a hike in the Oakland Redwoods. We walked and talked all about God’s goodness and faithfulness in our lives and ways in which He was growing us. When she asked me how I was feeling about moving to another state, far away from my established roots, family and friends, I was a little anxious just thinking about it.

Being who she is, with her admirable child-like faith and optimism, she said with assurance,

“I think it will be a great time of growth and sweet relationship with the Lord.”

And it’s interesting how right she was–and it’s only been a few days. But without the Lord, I don’t think I would have made it this far, guys! Seriously.

When I think about the Lord and His goodness, I start to remember all the ways in which He’s shown me that even though I might not be known here (yet) by others around me, He knows everything there is to know about me.

In fact, He knew it all before I even existed (Ps. 139:13-14). He knew exactly where I’d be today, before I knew what I wanted to do professionally. He knows exactly where I’m headed, tomorrow and where I’ll be 40 years from now.

I like to think that maybe one day, when I’m married, and I’m putting this grand expectation on my husband to know and fully understand me–that I’ll come to the realization that the only One who fully knows me is God.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

It’s with this knowledge that I am able to go out in faith, to journey into this next season. It’s definitely not going to be easy, I can almost guarantee it. But by God’s goodness and power, I will get through it.

I am known by the One who created me, saved me and first loved me.

No judgement if I call home crying every now and then though. Deal?

So, if you think of me, randomly in your day or just by reading this post for the first time, would you pray for me? Would you pray for patience on my end–that I would let the Lord work in His timing in ALL things? Could you pray that He will grow me in new ways to be able to further spread His good news with those who have yet to come to Him? And would you pray that this season would be one where I meet the Lord in a whole new way?

Thank you–I really do appreciate it.

Let me know how I can pray for you too – post a comment below, or write to me at leighann@ohleighann.com!

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.”

Psalm 139:1-3

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Twenty-something, lover of Jesus. I like animals (esp. dogs), Fun-Fetti cupcakes and yoga. I love God and do my best to love others. I hate too-warm weather and socks that fall into your shoes when you walk. I'm a huge fan of Christian rap and cold, sunny days.

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  • I'm Not Here To Be Perfect - Oh, Leighann

    […] Don’t get me wrong. There are a lot of blessings that the Lord has given me in these past few weeks since moving. He is good–of this I am for certain. I even wrote a little bit about it HERE. […]

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  • 𝒹𝒶𝓎 16 𝑜𝒻 31

Hot. No, it’s not what you think. As a matter of fact, when I first saw this picture I was horrified. I saw all that was wrong with my body, my hair and my skin—ugh. 
But you know what? No one’s perfect. And thank God I don’t have to be. Plus, my body was/is working just fine, my hair was moisturized, and my skin was poppin’. Trying to shift my moments of self-doubt and body-consciousness to thankfulness and positive self-talk. 
Also, the day this was taken was HOT, so it still counts towards today’s #augusteyecandy.

I don’t know if anyone’s told you today, but you’re made splendidly and you couldn’t be more perfect than you are right now—yes, even in this heat with your mascara running down your face. ttys 
S/O to @kayzilch and/or her awesome fiancé, Michael for this pic 📸
  • 𝒹𝒶𝓎 14 𝑜𝒻 31

It’s crazy to think that I’ve actually posted one picture on IG for TWO weeks straight. Especially considering all that’s been going on around me: moving back across the country for school, moving into my new place, actually starting school, remembering how to (somewhat) adult—throw in a little bit of anxiety, and you’ve got yourself the past two weeks of my life. 
All that to say—we made it, folks. We made it to today. And that is enough. You’re doing great—ttys
  • TW: Anxiety/Panic Attack

Anxiety is like a shadow that’s been following me around since I was about thirteen. I guess puberty marked the onset of racing thoughts, subtle hyperventilation and that queasy feeling you get when something’s just not right. I had my first panic attack at nineteen, during a new hire orientation. It felt like I was having a heart attack—my heart inexplicably began to race, my hands shook and I felt warmth all around me. 
I excused myself to the reception area and, in a panic, asked the receptionist if she could help me. She said to place my hands above my head and breathe. I paced around the lobby and breathed, eyes closed. Inhale. Exhale. I worried for a moment that I would die. Then gradually, my heart began to beat at normal pace again. My breathing deepened and my body cooled down to normal as I continued to pace, slower this time. The kind receptionist gave me some water to sip and sat me down until I was ready to go back to the meeting. 
Anxiety can feel like a high-speed train. Going 5mph one minute and 150 mph the next. It can also be subtler, feeling like you can’t quite catch your breathe and you begin to hyperventilate, in a way that is only recognizable to you. 
Although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, anxiety has taught me the importance of coming back to the present. And how allowing myself to feel what is presently around me, can ground me and remind me that I’m alive. I’m safe. 
I share this story in order to start the conversation. Anxiety is a part of my life, whether I like it or not. I hope you know that first of all:

1. You are loved beyond measure and valuable even with your anxious thoughts and actions 
2. You are not the only one 
  • 𝒹𝒶𝓎 13 𝑜𝒻 31

Home. For now anyways—is Georgia. The most asked question I get lately has been “Well? Are you gonna stay out there, or move back to California?” So, to help answer anyone’s burning question about my plans for the future, here it is:

Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s just get this last year down and then talk specifics, shall we? Here’s to one of my last first days of school. 
To my fellow cohorts: May we grow. May we care for ourselves and others a little better each day. May we get up the hills to our classes in one piece #UGA
  • Wait, I can’t believe summer is over and I officially start my last year of my MSW program tomorrow! What is life? Time is flying by, and I’m just trying to soak up every moment ☀️
  • 𝒹𝒶𝓎 12 𝑜𝒻 31

Sunday morning. 
Mmmm, tacos 🌮 so far, I’m learning to enjoy this new life stage: also known as adulting. I’ll admit, at times it’s a little scary and a whole lot of trial and error, but I know it’s all a part of the plan—even if it sometimes feels like nothing is going according to plan 🤷🏾‍♀️ #adulting am I right? 
Faking it ‘til I make it since ‘92.

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