From the Diary of a Single Girl: I’m Single, Not Empty Or Broken

Single, and whole

PART OF THE SINGLE WOMAN’S BLOGGING CHALLENGE

CHECK OUT PART ONE & TWO & THREE & FOUR HERE.


What do I think is one of the biggest misconceptions about single people?

This was a toughie, because I honestly couldn’t think of any. Which is weird, because there are many. I guess it’s just that most of these misconceptions–too selfish, don’t try hard enough, mostly just sit at home on Saturdays Netflix-ing their lives away (that’s the vast majority of people, single or otherwise, just for the record!)–have been disproven over and over again. 

Something that DID come to mind was the misconception that singles are somehow less “full” or fulfilled, than those in “loving” partnerships.

I say, “loving” because I think a big misconception is that everyone in a relationship is in a loving one. But that’s another story entirely. 

No, friends–we’re talking about singleness here.

More specifically, we’re talking about this blatant lie that singles are somehow lesser than compared to their taken counterparts. And that not only do we find ourselves Netflix-ing on a Saturday next to an empty spot on the couch. But somehow the fruits of our lives come up equally just as empty. 

So, instead of feeding into these misconceptions, I thought I’d explain a few awesome things I know to be true of many singles I personally know and love. 

Single or taken, we are all so much more than our relationship status. 

We create some amazing community.

One thing singles are pretty good at, is finding one another. Whether it’s getting together and venting about the current trends in dating culture or finding support in one another when life happens and slaps us in the face. When you do life as a single, you learn to find your people–whether they’re single, married or in a “it’s complicated” relationship (that’s still a status, right?). Singles value the gift of community and the deep love and care that is found there. 

We genuinely love who we are.

Bruh, love yo’self. Singles aren’t less happy with who they are than those in relationships. So, let’s stop thinking they are. In fact, some of the happiest people I’ve met are singles just living life and doing their thang! Singleness isn’t a pit stop before skipping town and hitching a ride on the Coupled Up bus. It’s the perfect time to learn how to do life with little ole you and figure out how to thrive in the process. It’s all in your perspective sometimes, which I’ve written about before here

We have passion projects and BIG dreams.

While it might seem like Netflix-ing, eating cookie dough straight from the tub and blubbering about our loneliness is the norm for us singles, here’s a newsflash: it isn’t. Nah, most of us are out here doing this thing! We’re looking towards our dreams and goals, bracing for the journey ahead of us, and going for it. Maybe our life partner is taking their sweet, sweet time getting to us, but that doesn’t mean we’ll be here twiddling our thumbs until their train pulls up. We’ve got lives to live and dreams to reach. They’ll just have to keep up and hop on board because, we’re going places.

We have so much love to offer to the world around us.

1 Corinthians 13:1-3

“[If] I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poorand give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”

Yes, we have SO much love to give. To the world. Our family. Friends. We love–maybe not always in the ways the world might expect us to, yet we love. We love greatly and powerfully. Don’t think that just because we haven’t found that special someone, we don’t give our love in other, just as valuable, ways. We’ve been given this great love–it’s a part of who we are as children of God–so it’s natural for us to give it away freely to others. This too is a great gift. Let us use it now more than ever, friends. 

Single not broken


Are you still not convinced singles are (FUL)filled people?

I’ll let you work that out amongst, well, yourself. As for me, I hope this sheds some light on a common misconception about us singles–and then totally wrecks it!

What’s another misconception about singles that you’re tired of hearing? 

Let me know in the comments below!

20 Comments
Leighann

Twenty-something, lover of Jesus. I like animals (esp. dogs), Fun-Fetti cupcakes and yoga. I love God and do my best to love others. I hate too-warm weather and socks that fall into your shoes when you walk. I'm a huge fan of Christian rap and cold, sunny days.

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20 Comments

  • FEHINTOLAOGUNYE

    I’m tired of hearing ‘Fehintola, when will you marry?’ or ‘Are you been difficult or playing hard to get’, lol. Great article, Leighann. Thanks for shedding light on this issue.
    I love your pictures, you look so beautiful and well relaxed.
    Cheers, Fehintola

    http://www.fehintolaogunye.com/2018/01/10-things-blogging-has-taught-me-one.html

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      Hey, Fehintola! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this–it can be frustrating to deal with those questions over and over. Don’t you wish people would just ‘get it’ and stop pestering you about your relationship status? But, mostly, they are just asking because they care–hopefully this post helps others reflect on those assumptions and change their perspective on singleness. We are WHOLE people because we were created whole by the ultimate Designer. Thanks for reading, my friend!

  • Blossom

    Honestly. We are waay much more than our relationship status. As if we can’t live without men–puh leaaze! As long as we have a support system and love, we are capable of slaying our biggest fears 🙂

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      You are so right, Blossom–btw I love your name! And we can do so much on our own, as well as with a community of people who love and support us at our side–basically, we’re unstoppable. Thanks so much for reading!

      • Onicia

        Agreed we are so much more than our relationship status. Eva Green (aka Soca Mom) wrote a really thoughtful piece on the Ciara/ girlfriend spirit situation. We can’t guarantee that we’ll find a romantic partner or a best friend. What we do know is that we’ll be stuck with ourselves forever. Get comfortable with you and you’ll find your crowd.

        • Leighann

          Leighann

          I will definitely be checking out that piece–thanks for the recommendation. And it is so true–get comfortable with yourself, no matter where you are, and you’ll be alright. Nothing is guaranteed, but we can make the most of our lives no matter what situation we’re in–wanted or otherwise! Thanks so much for sharing Onicia!

  • Sheri Conaway

    As someone who has been single a lot longer than I was married, I agree there are definitely a lot of misconceptions out there, and you’ve nailed them well here. I do have my community, and many of them are married or in a committed relationship. As such, some will tend to point out single guys, or try to find an attraction where none exists for me, but aside from that, they are my family, my tribe, and those I know will understand when I need an ear, or kick my butt when I need that too. I’m comfortable in my own skin, and rarely stay home on a Saturday night unless I’m ill. Then, there’s not an empty space on the couch because my nurse kitties are in attendance.

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      Sheri, thanks so much for reading–and for sharing your perspective on this whole singleness thing. It sounds like you have what you need to succeed right there next to you (yes, I’m including the kitties!) and I’m happy to hear you’ve got a community surrounding you who support and love you!

  • Sonia

    This is a great article! I especially love the section about passion projects. I’m newly single, but if you ask me, having the time and energy to devote to passion projects and furthering my dreams is one of the best parts of being single!

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      Hey Sonia, yea I know right?! It’s been a realization for me that I hadn’t had before, learning that with the time I have, I can devote it to my projects and find out what makes my heart soar. And I can do it, single! So glad to hear that you’re taking steps towards your passions too!

  • Amber

    You da best!!! I can see that you’re inspiring and touching so many people’s hearts. One misconception, or I guess, generality that i’m tired of, is the focus on single WOMEN. I never hear people telling men what they need to change about themselves or how they can improve or what to wear or how to act in order to attract a partner. And it’s like we as women only completely and truly become worthy when/if we marry and even then we have to have kids to be seen as fulfiling our purpose in life or else we get called selfish and whatever else. Ugh!

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      Yes, girl! This–all of this. Exactly when do the men have to step up here? I agree that there are so many hoops women have to jump through–don’t get me started–in order to be seen as worthy or ‘enough’ in this patriarchal world of ours. And quite frankly, I’m over it. And I’m happy to know I’m not the only one. Thanks so much, Amber for sharing your thoughts and reading–love you, sis!

  • Nina | Lemons and Luggage

    Great post! I was single for seven years, and while there were definitely difficult moments during that time I learned so much about myself that I value now.

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      Thanks so much for sharing that Nina, and for reading! As I get older, I have come to appreciate the difficulties that singleness brings and recognize the good things it has brought me thus far. Thanks again for your insight.

  • Sheena

    Thank you so much for sharing this and being real. Yes being single doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. It can also be a good thing.

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      Thanks for reading, Sheena–definitely! Singleness definitely gets a bad rap, but it’s all in how you view yourself and the world around you. Possibilities=ENDLESS

  • Teeara

    Great article! I don’t know why people make it seem like being single is a bad thing. I look at it as a time to really get to know yourself

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      Hey Teeara, I totally agree! It’s a great time to learn about who you are as an individual and it’s definitely time worth cherishing. Thanks for reading!

  • Sarah

    YES to this! I’m tired of people thinking I’m spending my nights sad and alone when I’m really hustling and planning my next move career wise!

    • Leighann

      Leighann

      Yaaaas, girl! Thanks so much for reading, Sarah–and yes to the hustle. Keep going for your dreams, sis! I just know you’re gonna be great!

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  • 𝒹𝒶𝓎 16 𝑜𝒻 31

Hot. No, it’s not what you think. As a matter of fact, when I first saw this picture I was horrified. I saw all that was wrong with my body, my hair and my skin—ugh. 
But you know what? No one’s perfect. And thank God I don’t have to be. Plus, my body was/is working just fine, my hair was moisturized, and my skin was poppin’. Trying to shift my moments of self-doubt and body-consciousness to thankfulness and positive self-talk. 
Also, the day this was taken was HOT, so it still counts towards today’s #augusteyecandy.

I don’t know if anyone’s told you today, but you’re made splendidly and you couldn’t be more perfect than you are right now—yes, even in this heat with your mascara running down your face. ttys 
S/O to @kayzilch and/or her awesome fiancé, Michael for this pic 📸
  • 𝒹𝒶𝓎 14 𝑜𝒻 31

5pm. 
It’s crazy to think that I’ve actually posted one picture on IG for TWO weeks straight. Especially considering all that’s been going on around me: moving back across the country for school, moving into my new place, actually starting school, remembering how to (somewhat) adult—throw in a little bit of anxiety, and you’ve got yourself the past two weeks of my life. 
All that to say—we made it, folks. We made it to today. And that is enough. You’re doing great—ttys
  • TW: Anxiety/Panic Attack

Anxiety is like a shadow that’s been following me around since I was about thirteen. I guess puberty marked the onset of racing thoughts, subtle hyperventilation and that queasy feeling you get when something’s just not right. I had my first panic attack at nineteen, during a new hire orientation. It felt like I was having a heart attack—my heart inexplicably began to race, my hands shook and I felt warmth all around me. 
I excused myself to the reception area and, in a panic, asked the receptionist if she could help me. She said to place my hands above my head and breathe. I paced around the lobby and breathed, eyes closed. Inhale. Exhale. I worried for a moment that I would die. Then gradually, my heart began to beat at normal pace again. My breathing deepened and my body cooled down to normal as I continued to pace, slower this time. The kind receptionist gave me some water to sip and sat me down until I was ready to go back to the meeting. 
Anxiety can feel like a high-speed train. Going 5mph one minute and 150 mph the next. It can also be subtler, feeling like you can’t quite catch your breathe and you begin to hyperventilate, in a way that is only recognizable to you. 
Although I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, anxiety has taught me the importance of coming back to the present. And how allowing myself to feel what is presently around me, can ground me and remind me that I’m alive. I’m safe. 
I share this story in order to start the conversation. Anxiety is a part of my life, whether I like it or not. I hope you know that first of all:

1. You are loved beyond measure and valuable even with your anxious thoughts and actions 
and 
2. You are not the only one 
ttys
  • 𝒹𝒶𝓎 13 𝑜𝒻 31

Home. For now anyways—is Georgia. The most asked question I get lately has been “Well? Are you gonna stay out there, or move back to California?” So, to help answer anyone’s burning question about my plans for the future, here it is:

Maybe. Maybe not. Let’s just get this last year down and then talk specifics, shall we? Here’s to one of my last first days of school. 
To my fellow cohorts: May we grow. May we care for ourselves and others a little better each day. May we get up the hills to our classes in one piece #UGA
  • Wait, I can’t believe summer is over and I officially start my last year of my MSW program tomorrow! What is life? Time is flying by, and I’m just trying to soak up every moment ☀️
  • 𝒹𝒶𝓎 12 𝑜𝒻 31

Sunday morning. 
Mmmm, tacos 🌮 so far, I’m learning to enjoy this new life stage: also known as adulting. I’ll admit, at times it’s a little scary and a whole lot of trial and error, but I know it’s all a part of the plan—even if it sometimes feels like nothing is going according to plan 🤷🏾‍♀️ #adulting am I right? 
Faking it ‘til I make it since ‘92.

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